What’s inside?

The assumption that is made, in regard to what is observed or known of someone is the pivotal point for our ability to relate. The external indicators so often become the determinative factor and the unfortunate reality is, we often fail to understand the individual or their particular circumstantial shaping. I am a person who longs to understand. The problem is so few really want or even know how to explain. Relating is shallow, we graze the surface of who we are but time and availability often eludes in respect to the actuality of that particular type of relating. I have spent most of my life in places that verbalize community but honestly, based on what I have known, I’m still trying to grasp the definition. Do I have roots, I do. Can I say I’m familiar with the lives and happenings of many people, most certainly, does that constitute community? In my estimation, it does not.

This line of discussion, related to community, has been happening for as long as I can remember. Yet, I think the familiarity of the topic has simply been kitschy or convenient. I have learned to live independently because, for the most part, that has been the reality of my existence. I have been been both blamed and shamed for that fact. I am not married for reasons that only I have, in actuality, understood. As I have aged, I have progressively lost friends to marriage and such and I no longer fit into what is typically defined as “single” community, these complications create a dissonance in my ability to belong. I have been exhorted to give my life to purpose, as the fulfillment for my heart; however, those encouragements are given mostly by those who themselves return home to comfortable and reliable acquaintance.

Maybe I have a child? My body has started to resolve that line of questioning for me.

I stir the pot of the unresolved in my own life because it speaks so highly to those who are vexed in similar fashion. In all honesty, I can’t understand or reliably believe that there are those who genuinely feel satisfied in the perpetual state of singleness. The blessing of belonging is more meaningful than most people can possibly understand. I have heard so much complaint from those with substantive connection and quite frankly, there isn’t a greater irritant to me in an emotional sense. Not that people are to be suppressed in discussing their relational difficulties but that I am expected to filter within the framework of having no substance at all of my own. In my ears, the aggravation of that anomaly reverberates with exponential proportions. I want to shout, “You have substantive relationship, cultivate, invest, value, embrace that which so many cannot grasp or even fathom.

For years, solitary confinement has been utilized as a means of punishment and as a single, especially of my age, I completely understand why, it is no fun. Yet, does any of this reorient my ability to relate to men? Not in the least. I will not live with an untruthful placement. I have done the work of exploration, in that regard, and there is no ability to attach in any meaningful or lasting way.

The whimsy or joy I retain on a daily basis comes from valuing the interactions that I do have. I suppose there is something to be said for what is gleaned even in the abbreviated interactions within any given community.

I just feel the need to speak for those who understand the plight of aloneness, especially in a prolonged sense. The quandary of resolve is one that never ends but rarely, if ever, gets addressed in a thoughtful and meaningful way. I hope my words have given voice to what so many want and need to say but have lacked the platform or position to do so. Your hurt and pain is valid and as a person who actually does understand, I will not dismiss what you feel. It is real and this is a significant reason for you to implement a regiment of both self care and compassion.

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